why can't we be friends

i'll be 30 years old in two weeks. a year went by so fast and so slow. it was fast in the since i haven't really changed much. it was slow because i haven't really changed much.

I'm beginning to find that the tug of the happily ever after is so damn seductive. I call it last chance for happiness or last chance to be normal.

i'm beginning to feel it now myself. It's that i should be doing somethng with my life guilt trip. it's why i am not married. why am i not in a stable relationship. why do i still go out three or four times a week. Why do i still rent an apartment and not own a house. why don't i go to church. why don’t i have kids. i don't want kids, but why am i not more responsible.

i can't cook. I still dress like i'm in college. my funiture isn't grown up furniture. my dishes are mismatched. i have plastic utensils from take out resturants. i don't own a suit. i don't have life or dental insurance. i have shitty medical insurance. my credit is bad. i still owe student loans.

what is that tug. what is that voice in the back of my head screaming "get it together" GET WHAT Together!

i never used to care that i didn't own a pair of dress socks or dress shoes. why is it important now? i never used to care that i don't have proper bedding attire. I have the same bed-set i bought after i graduated college. I needed better sheets. I need towels that I didn’t steal from hotels.

most days i feel like an aging second grader. like i should know more like how the stock market works. like i should vote or know someone in politics. like i should be more active in my neighborhood. like i should be more active in my community.

the happily ever after is so seductive. the need to be normal, not judged, feel safe is so seductive. i used to think i didn't give a damn what people thought about me until i started losing friends. i mean people i had been friends with since high school. they started pulling away. they started having babies and buying houses. They got thier Masters and Phds and moved to gated neighborhoods. and now we can't be friends because i still rent and eat my dinner from the pot.

that's what has been most shocking about the growing up process. I never thought so many of my close friends would change. i didn't see it coming. i guess we do change. Why haven’t I changed?

the guy i used to get drunk with on fridays nights in my dorm room now only want to quote me the bible. he doesn't speak to me anymore because i haven't given my life over to jesus. one of my good friends got his girlfriend pregnant and two years lata the only thing he talks about is that damn baby. we don't speak anymore.

another friend of mine hates beyonce and i love beyonce. but we can't have a conversation without hostility over a bitch who makes more money than us. i mean is it really that serious? When did pop culture end friendships. When did it get that serious. i have a friend recovery from drugs, and now i can't speak to him about anythign addictive. he's so damn high and mighty now. he has that i recovered from something and that makes me better than you smugness. i find myself getting lonelier and lonelier. I’m beginning to like the loneliness.

the tug of the happily ever after is so damn seductive. lately i've been thinking about what i'm entitled. what type of house i should live in. lately i've been putting in more hours at work so that i could feel important. it's  happening to me. when did it stop being fun and started getting really serious and scary?

why can't we be friends: myron, charles, curtis, sha,

tyler

. saprine, lisa, niti

i promise you, i'm growing up. i'm catching up. Was our friendshiop only close proximity? I thought we would be friends for life, little did I know I would have so many lives.

Comments

[Tyler]

We are still friends, boo. Don't even worry about that. You'll have to do more than adore Beyonce shamelessly to lose my friendship, homie.

[moderator]

tyler, i know that we're still cool. I just wanted to speak to the "growing up" process. I am meaning to that blog in three pieces.