STREET WRITER

Enjoy!

these are janet's words by me

i'm making 30 look brillant

and what i've learned-- is not the age --it's your intentions

your happiness or unhappiness will catch up with you no matter the age

and i've learned we don't age

we either get really happy or we get really unhappy

i'm not trying to do what those do

i enjoy

living every day like its my last

don't want to be stuck in the past

people act like they should

because they are afraid to live their dreams

i just enjoy

until my heart is content

my poem: you can't hurt me anymore

This is 30 years old

You don’t have to like me anymore

You ain’t going to get this

I got self esteem now

I love my loneliness now

When I was young

I tried to be liked by everyone

I tried to so hard to be funny and nice

But it didn’t work

It got old quickly

I tried to be thin and cute

I tried to be materialistic and open minded

But I knew my intentions

And when I got a little older I realized we all got our intentions

We all got our happily ever after

Do we match?

I never asked myself that before with low self esteem

Do I fit into

ur

dreams?

Can you be my nightmare?

Never asked myself before I liked my loneliness

So you got money

I got misery and comfortable with it

So you got a great body

I got my overdue gym membership

So you got cool friends

I got niggas who love and hold me down

I’m not trying to b liked

That means I’m not willing to compromise

You don’t have to like me

But you will love or hate me

There is no in-between with me

Say I’m dramatic which means that you can get your way

Say I don’t listen because you can’t persuade me

I’m the hustler in this story

I’m what the movie is about

You’re just sideline

If you love me, maybe you can be the hero

But if you like me, you’re the villain

You don’t have to like me, but you will love or hate me

I’m going to challenge consistently

I’m never going to be what you wanted

I hope you be you

So

I’m brave enough to say I don’t believe in fairy tales

Or happy endings

I’m brave enough to say I believe funerals and births

I’m brave enough to say I believe in responsibility and loyalty

I'm brave enought to say i believe in bills and making sure my family is okay

I’m brave enough to say I believe in my body and my happiness

You don’t have to like me anymore

I got self esteem now

I like my loneliness now

I like me now

I’m brave enough now

To say I believe that god doesn’t make mistakes

Welcome to ur thirties baby

most people won't get this

they see nakedness and not see intellect behind it

i'm 30

they going say stupid shit like i'm nasty

but i'm free

and my body belongs to me, even if mama sees

so if ur celebrating me i welcome

if you hating me i welcome

i'm challenging, you need an opinion with me

but welcome to 30 baby boi

 

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Starting Ova

I’m not bitter
This is my last poem for you
You see I fell in love with him
I wanted him
I thought I was the fuck up
I considered his yesterdays were the fools
But he told me about him
He told me how much he was in love
But I thought I could do better than him

But little did I know
He never forgot him
My birthday presents were bought by him
He was only happy with him
He never got over him
And when we would have sex I would complain
I would tell him he was not giving me everything
Like his nutt
He tried to act like I was crazy
And when we argued that I was feeling denied
That he wouldn’t give over
So I tested it
I went out with other men
I slept with other me
I let other men fall in love with me
To see if he was hiding something from me
to see if I was defected
but I didn’t know he was lying to me
and every time I got back in his bed I felt that denial
that denial that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough
that his family didn’t know me, but my family knew him
I thought I was too dramatic
but they knew David
he could’ve told me
he wasn’t happy
that he was still in love that crackhead whore
the love that denied him and broke his heart
he could’ve told me
but he did
and ten years later I finally listened
the sad part I even tried to be David
thinking if I could be that fuck up he would love me
he lied
he lied
he lied
every time he held me, he lied
but I’m glad I know now
I refuse to be second place
how could he lie like that
I was never going to win
we were never going to be happy
did he not think I was going to find out
yea I slept with other niggas
but you never gave me your heart
I knew I wasn’t crazy
I was second place
you played with my head
and when I said that something wasn’t right
that you couldn’t give me ur body
that when we had sex I didn’t feel like you wanted me
you would tell me that I was crazy
now I know
now I know
I wasn’t crazy
I’m not the fuck up
I’m not the one who was undeserving
thank you
you could’ve told me
I’m not bitter
I’m just happy I’m not crazy
I’m not the villan in the story
it was never my story
because I’m never second place
how did you not know I would figure it out
didn’t I always questioned
couldn’t figure out how they loved me and you didn’t
couldn’t understand how they worshipped me and you didn’t
it’s cool
I’m not bitter
I just happy I know now
and I’m not crazy

Sunday Morning

Sunday morning, that’s when my life comes into focus, that’s after the weekend, that’s when I calculate my energy, try to figure if I’m going the right direction in my life.

So what’s different about this Sunday morning, first, this upcoming Thursday is my 30th birthday. I’m excited about that. I feel as if I’m ready to grow up. I see aging differently now. I just see me getting better. At first I feared aging because I didn’t trust god, didn’t trust my purpose, and I thought my life was all about approval. But now I know I’m in it for the lesson. I’m in to serve the proliferation. I’m in it to be the sun that I am, to shine so damn bright and then become a super nova. Because I know when I die, the world would have known I was here. That’s the point I figured out for myself.

I have this saying that I don’t want them to bury me a fraud because I lie so much, I hide so much, I’m so damn insecure, I’m so damn afraid of the world, I’m so damn angry.
But I have this saying in my heart that I don’t want them to bury me a fraud, that I struggle to be the real me, that I struggle to be the “me” that I know I can be, the me that I’m so afraid no one will accept, that I will die alone, that I won’t have sex, but I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t want the approval anymore. I don’t want to be liked. I wanted to be love or worshipped but never liked. I rather you hate me than like me. If you can love me, then hate me. I don’t accept compromises anymore. I don’t want to be buried a fraud.

So I struggle, so I keep putting myself in position where I can be rejected, so that I can figure myself out, and I’m learning that I love me and when they reject me, I realize how much I love me and I don’t care dying alone and they thinking I’m arrogant or a fool or weird because what the fuck do they know. What the fuck do they want me to be, not me?

and if I’m allowed to ramble, that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out my entire life or lie. What the FCUK do they want? what is it that I have to do to get them to like me. to accept me, to want me. But then I realized I don’t’ want to be liked, I don’t want the fucking compromise, love me or leave me, hate me or worshipped me, I’m not here to be polite, I’m to serve god, to serve the proliferation, no one said I couldn’t have a good time, but I have a job to do, so love me.

They want to control me, we all have our intentions, and some of us are really sneaky about them, some of us try to be coy, try to be slick, but I see those people, they give compliment but they are silently plotting, they are silently trying to control, but that’s cool, I got a dream for me, and trust me, your dream is not my dream.

So I struggle, and yes I’m afraid, and yes I’m constantly afraid of being rejected, but reject me, I only get better at least don’t reject my desperate insecurity when I fake it, that hurts when I fake it and still rejected. That hurts when I try to say all the right things, when I go to the gym, when I smile and I’m still rejected. I still can’t get approval, that hurts. So if I have to be rejected, at least I know I didn’t fake it. You hate me, that’s cool, at least you disliked me not the me that was looking for approval.

So what did I learn this weekend, I’m learning to be stronger, but I’m still apologizing. I need to stop apologizing. That’s what I learned this weekend. I need to stop APOLOGIZING.