Sunday morning, that’s when my life comes into focus, that’s after the weekend, that’s when I calculate my energy, try to figure if I’m going the right direction in my life.
So what’s different about this Sunday morning, first, this upcoming Thursday is my 30th birthday. I’m excited about that. I feel as if I’m ready to grow up. I see aging differently now. I just see me getting better. At first I feared aging because I didn’t trust god, didn’t trust my purpose, and I thought my life was all about approval. But now I know I’m in it for the lesson. I’m in to serve the proliferation. I’m in it to be the sun that I am, to shine so damn bright and then become a super nova. Because I know when I die, the world would have known I was here. That’s the point I figured out for myself.
I have this saying that I don’t want them to bury me a fraud because I lie so much, I hide so much, I’m so damn insecure, I’m so damn afraid of the world, I’m so damn angry.
But I have this saying in my heart that I don’t want them to bury me a fraud, that I struggle to be the real me, that I struggle to be the “me” that I know I can be, the me that I’m so afraid no one will accept, that I will die alone, that I won’t have sex, but I don’t care about that anymore. I don’t want the approval anymore. I don’t want to be liked. I wanted to be love or worshipped but never liked. I rather you hate me than like me. If you can love me, then hate me. I don’t accept compromises anymore. I don’t want to be buried a fraud.
So I struggle, so I keep putting myself in position where I can be rejected, so that I can figure myself out, and I’m learning that I love me and when they reject me, I realize how much I love me and I don’t care dying alone and they thinking I’m arrogant or a fool or weird because what the fuck do they know. What the fuck do they want me to be, not me?
and if I’m allowed to ramble, that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out my entire life or lie. What the FCUK do they want? what is it that I have to do to get them to like me. to accept me, to want me. But then I realized I don’t’ want to be liked, I don’t want the fucking compromise, love me or leave me, hate me or worshipped me, I’m not here to be polite, I’m to serve god, to serve the proliferation, no one said I couldn’t have a good time, but I have a job to do, so love me.
They want to control me, we all have our intentions, and some of us are really sneaky about them, some of us try to be coy, try to be slick, but I see those people, they give compliment but they are silently plotting, they are silently trying to control, but that’s cool, I got a dream for me, and trust me, your dream is not my dream.
So I struggle, and yes I’m afraid, and yes I’m constantly afraid of being rejected, but reject me, I only get better at least don’t reject my desperate insecurity when I fake it, that hurts when I fake it and still rejected. That hurts when I try to say all the right things, when I go to the gym, when I smile and I’m still rejected. I still can’t get approval, that hurts. So if I have to be rejected, at least I know I didn’t fake it. You hate me, that’s cool, at least you disliked me not the me that was looking for approval.
So what did I learn this weekend, I’m learning to be stronger, but I’m still apologizing. I need to stop apologizing. That’s what I learned this weekend. I need to stop APOLOGIZING.
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