I admit, I once dreamed of becoming “legendary.” It was a term us southern black gays used to describe a person who had made his or her mark in the black gay scene. It was mostly the drag queens like Tommie Ross or an infamous parti boy like David Blade, or the club promoters or the club owners like Big Yo. To become legendary was the closest a black gay street kid could come to being a celebrity. I didn’t care about success outside the club scene. The “scene” was my home. The “scene” was my family. A lot of us black gay kids had been kicked out or run away or couldn’t go home again because we were gay. So I built my self-esteem in the club. I built my identity. It was my foundation. The outside world had already betrayed me. I felt safe at the club. I felt real. I figured “outside” success would mean nothing to me if it took me away from my black gay brothers and sisters. I dreamed of walking into the club and the DJ announcing my name or judging a drag queen contest or being part of that spotlight where the legends performed. I dreamed of being on the cover of the “it” black gay rag. I dreamed of all the kids knowing my name or wanting to be me. So what happened? Maybe I was thinking to local. The world was bigger than Houston, TX. The world was bigger than just being black and gay.
I’ll be honest, I never thought of the entire black gay community or the white gay community or any of the connected circles until I self-published my book and wanted to sell it. I had to figure out how I could reach “my” people. I immediately thought of Clik magazine. I immediately thought of popular ezines like Rod 2.0 and Keith Boykin. I immediately thought of black gay organizations like POCC and US helping US. I immediately thought of the bars, clubs and black gay prides. There was the blood. There was the connection. I then found out it’s not so easy to connect to the black gay community. I had to have AIDS for the black gay organizations. Popular Ezines like Keith Boykin and Rod 2.0 weren’t looking for new talent; they were more vehicles for their own ambition and agenda and promoting friends and the established. I did get a response back from Clik but it fell through due to politics and business. Actually I started to feel shut out of the so called black gay community. I didn’t graduate from a fancy college. I was self-published. I was a street kid. I worked a regular job. I was just too damn average. I had nothing to really boast about. I didn’t wear fancy clothes, have a perfect body, and I wasn’t into kissing ass to get a shout out on their website or magazine. I felt shut out. I felt more shut out than I did with the white gay kids.
And then to add salt to injury one day, I was reading Clik magazine and in it, was an article on Frank Leon Robert. His only claim to fame is that he’s 23 and a NYU PhD candidate. But what disturbed me was when it said “most 23 year olds are in the clubs when FLR is in grad school” it was saying I wasted my life. It was saying that I paid Clik magazine 4 of my average hard working dollars to tell me I was wasting my life. And once again, I felt shut out of the black gay community. Clik magazine didn’t care about me. Rod and Keith Boykin didn’t care about me. I was nobody. I was just another fan. I was just another overpriced club fee. I was just another face in the thousands of black gay men who save up their money and go to the prides. It didn’t care about me.
I was self-published. I started to notice if I didn’t graduate from some fancy college, held down some fancy job, if I didn’t make a lot of money, if the white community had already accepted me, I didn’t mean anything to them.
They were all about the materialism and vanity. They were all about the talented tenth. I have nothing against success, because we should strive to do better, but I thought those people were my people. Keith Boykin doesn’t give a damn about me; neither does Rod 2.0 or Clik magazine, because I’m too average. I’m just another fan, club fee, or subscription. They are too high and mighty up in their cloud to realize that most of us who support them are just average. It’s beginning to piss me off. I want balance. If they are suppose to represent the community, then represent the entire damn community not just your shady friends. I don’t mind seeing pics of Keith Boykin in Puerto Rico or St. Antigua. Shit you know how long I would have to save up to go there. You know how long an average black gay brotha saves up just to go to one of those damn black gay prides. It’s cost like 1000-1500 a trip. The majority of us only make 30000-40000 a year. And the majority of us who go, are young, between 20-30 years old. So where are these kids getting all that money? They are stealing. They are mopping. They are doing the credit card schemes. They are charging. They are going into debt trying to be a fabulous black fag. And for what? Just so they can be told they aren’t good enough by elitist representatives. That’s some bullshit.
It ain’t easy when you’re poor, black and gay. It aint easy. I’m beginning to realize I have to go outside the circle to get back into the circle. I’m never going to be accepted the way I am. I’m just average. I have to get white success first. I have to get financial success first. It’s a shame but it’s the truth. Those who supposedly represent us try to tell us that the Black gay community doesn’t value integrity, loyalty or itself. We only value master degrees, designer clothes, exotic vacations and all that bullshit. But it’s a lie. We need to elect better representatives.
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT BEING BLACK AND GAY
Freedom of speech
In the black gay community, forget about it. We can’t have an honest conversation to save our lives, literally. Everybody is perfect. Nobody is a bottom. We all have safe sex. We are all fabulous. Nobody is over 30 years old. The minute someone disagrees with anything, they are called a hater or “stupid.” It’s a one trick pony. Every time there’s a chance for a real conversation everybody becomes all Mary Poppins. Everybody is doing the right thing. And I’m like, if we’re all so damn perfect, why is HIV increasing. If we all are so damn perfect, why are there the controversial topics? Somebody is attending the unsafe sex party otherwise they wouldn’t exist. We got so many secrets. And everybody is lying. Why can’t we just have an honest conversation. It’s because we don’t’ feel safe with each other. We feel as if the government or some AIDS worker is in the crowd writing down information so that he or she could get their new grant. We feel used by the system. Of course we can’t be honest.
Hero worshipping
I don’t like my Heroes spoon fed to me. I don’t like anyone just assuming they represent me. Of course, I am grateful that there are my black gay brothas out there representing, but that doesn’t mean I have to worship them. It doesn’t mean I can’t disagree. Just because there are few choices, I still have a choice and that’s not to choose anything.
Clik magazine
To be honest, I don’t get it. I mean, I understand its premise: America’s #1 Black Gay Lifestyle, Entertainment, Fashion & Travel magazine. When I flip through the pages of Clik magazine, it’s not only that it makes me feel unattractive, broke, and like a failure, I also don’t see anything that I wouldn’t see in a local white gay rag for free or Esquire or Details magazine. I mean it has a few good articles on HIV and a few celebrity black gay folks, but I don’t get it. I’ve tried. Where are the drag queens? Where are the clubs? Where are the black gay people? I mean they show a couple of pictures from black gay prides, but that’s the ones they hosted. As I flip through the pages, I can’t help but ask myself, where’s the community. I mean it’s pretty, but barely have any substance. And I hate to criticize. Where is it that they are telling me how to do ATL pride on a budget? Where is it that they are telling me about all the hotspots I wouldn’t normally know about? It’s cool they have pictures of the latest collection of Prada or whatever, but where is it that they are telling me something I can actually use.
Keith Boykin
I found it funny that Keith Boykin actually censored me on one of his postings. It was about safe sex parties. I said that I’ve actually been to one, and he deleted my comment. Hmmmmm. I guess I was supposed to condemn them. Has anyone noticed how Keith Boykin’s comments are sort of redundant? He is not democratic. You must worship Keith Boykin or not exist. I keep the posting of the people who hate me posted. It’s a balance. Sometimes I am full of bullshit. Sometimes I am brilliant. I let the public decide.
Frank Leon Roberts
Actually I like him. I liked his article on gay marriage. I think he’s a forward thinker but I don’t think he’s a prophet. I like what he’s done for the ball scene. I used to have a friend before he went to jail for mopping (credit card fraud) who was very into the ball scene. He was fierce. But my initial rejection of FLR was because I don’t like my Heroes spoon fed to me. But at first I misjudged him as an elitist part of that “I’m better than you” crowd. But I think he is a victim who should fight back for his identity. He is more than even what he’s advertising. Let your words speak not your titles.
Black gay literature
I remember back in the day it was about translating your invisible soul to the invisible. Now it’s about reproducing someone else’s financial success. It’s a travesty. Without me insulting anyone, let me just say, I hated Fred Smith’s book. I hated Rashid’s book. I hate the lasted E. Lynn Harris book. There, I said it.
Clubs
Most black gay clubs will always be hole in the walls, because that’s the appeal. But most black gay clubs are homophobic. They are only gay on certain nights and the promoters don’t change the club staff, therefore you get homophobic door people snickering, and don’t complain, because you’ll quickly get put out. And we give so much of our money to that which hates us.
HIV
I don’t believe black gay men spread HIV. I believe we find what we are looking for. I also don’t like the process. I wouldn’t get tested at a clinic. That’s a set up. I wouldn’t get tested unless I had all the information. We do have choices. And they just treat you like a number. You are a statistic. And black gay men have been demonize. Of course we don’t trust. We don’t feel safe not even in our own community. We still can’t be honest. And whose fault is that we promotions like “don’t be the next drive by.” Who are they really saving? And why are they so damn bitter. It’s a numbers game. It’s all corporate.
White gay men
I don’t mind the black guys who like only white men; I just don’t like their attitude. They are worse than slave overseers. I mean, come one, there are plenty of white gay men that a nigga don’t have to be all rude about it. I also don’t like black gay men who don’t like black gay men who like white gay men. It shouldn’t be so black and white. We can all still be brothas. They are still black and gay. Some of my coolest friends are black and only date white. I don’t care. I’m not going to stop being their friend as long as they don’t insult me.
Myself
I think I gave too much of myself to the black gay lifestyle I still want to honor it. I just thought others would care more. What I’m finding is that black gay life is so scattered and dysfunctional. So many of us have our own agendas. So many of us are not about the whole but ourselves. I don’t want to be legendary anymore. It was a superficial title. I don’t want to be separate. I’m happy to be average.